September 14, 2013 by Alice in Readerland
**EDITED FOR UPDATE ON 9.14.13**
Just a bit over a month ago, I posted that my Grandpa, who I was very, very close to, was just diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer and that the doctors said that he had 6 months to a year left.
He didn’t even make the 6 months.
He was just three months short of my birthday and his and my grandmother’s 40th anniversary.
My Grandpa passed away last night. I was with him every day until he died; I read to him, helped take care of him, and just talked to him even when he was too weak to reply. Today will be the first day in a long time that I won’t wake up and go see him. Last month, he was perusing my book choices and picking out books for me to read. The last book he chose for me to read was The Infinity Ring. 2 months ago, he was giving me driving lessons.
And now he’s gone.
Even though its heartbreaking and devastating, I am thankful that he’s at peace now, because as I saw him every day, I also saw him suffering and die a little bit every day.
I’ll be slowing down on blogging at the moment, though I will still be doing a lot of reading to comfort and distract myself. I will still review all the ARCs I have previously/currently requested. I also have my blogoversary in November. Right now, I just don’t feel like blogging regularly, but in another month, I may welcome it as a distraction. I also do want to stay in touch with my blogger friends through Twitter.
ORIGINAL POST VIA ALICE IN READERLAND ON 7.31.13
There’s no easy way for me to say this, or even type this or proof-read this without crying, so I’ll just say it: The doctors just discovered a cancer mass in my Grandpa’s pancreas and spots on his liver. They are assuming its Stage 4 Cancer and that they cannot operate. They say that my Grandpa only has 6 months, maybe a year left. He’s so weak already that I don’t know how long he will last.
I always thought he’d be there to help me pick out my first car. I always thought he’d be around to see me turn 18 eventually. I always thought he’d finish watching me grow up.
I’ve lived practically next door to him my whole life. When I was little, he was the one who encouraged me to read on my own; he was the one who taught me tricks on how to break a big word down into little funny pronounceable. Now, he’s the one who picks up my books lying around the house and asks me what they’re about and asks me what I think of them; he’s the one who always curiously listens as I tell him about whatever book I’m currently reading.
He’s a part of my life so much; I dread that one day, one day very, very soon, I’ll wake up and he won’t be there.
Now I’m probably supposed to tell you what this means for Alice in Readerland. I pre-write my posts so, before I heard the news, I had already pre-written all the posts for this month/next month and scheduled them to post. So there will still be posts going up. I’m trying to spend as much time with my Grandpa as I can. However, at the times when I can’t be with my Grandpa, like when he’s napping as he so frequently needs to now, or when I’m waiting in the hospital for him to finish seeing the doctor, I’ve been trying to read books and distract myself by replying to comments. I’ve just been trying to keep busy, keep my mind busy, anything to keep my mind active and happier if just for a few seconds instead of dwelling on what’s happening, and to try to keep hope alive that he’ll live longer. Anything I can do to stop from thinking about it and crying even more. If I think about it too much I just fall apart, which I can’t do right now. I’ve been finding books so comforting lately. They let me slip into a different world for just a few chapters and help me try to forget if just for a few minutes in between paragraphs. Lately, I’ve been rereading some of my books from my favorite series, like Cinder. I’m going to be finishing rereading Cinder soon and start Scarlet next, although I have a feeling that the waterworks are going to come again since I’ll be reading about how Scarlet’s trying to find her grandparent.
I just had to let all of you know what’s going to be happening here. And if you have a Grandpa, give him a hug.