*Edited for Update* Cancer and the Comfort of Books

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September 14, 2013 by Alice in Readerland

**EDITED FOR UPDATE ON 9.14.13**

Just a bit over a month ago, I posted that my Grandpa, who I was very, very close to, was just diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer and that the doctors said that he had 6 months to a year left.

He didn’t even make the 6 months.

He was just three months short of my birthday and his and my grandmother’s 40th anniversary.

  My Grandpa passed away last night. I was with him every day until he died; I read to him, helped take care of him, and just talked to him even when he was too weak to reply. Today will be the first day in a long time that I won’t wake up and go see him. Last month, he was perusing my book choices and picking out books for me to read. The last book he chose for me to read was The Infinity Ring. 2 months ago, he was giving me driving lessons.

And now he’s gone.

Even though its heartbreaking and devastating, I am thankful that he’s at peace now, because as I saw him every day, I also saw him suffering and die a little bit every day.

 I’ll be slowing down on blogging at the moment, though I will still be doing a lot of reading to comfort and distract myself. I will still review all the ARCs I have previously/currently requested. I also have my blogoversary in November. Right now, I just don’t feel like blogging regularly, but in another month, I may welcome it as a distraction. I also do want to stay in touch with my blogger friends through Twitter.

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ORIGINAL POST VIA ALICE IN READERLAND ON 7.31.13

There’s no easy way for me to say this, or even type this or proof-read this without crying, so I’ll just say it: The doctors just discovered a cancer mass in my Grandpa’s pancreas and spots on his liver. They are assuming its Stage 4 Cancer and that they cannot operate. They say that my Grandpa only has 6 months, maybe a year left. He’s so weak already that I don’t know how long he will last.

I always thought he’d be there to help me pick out my first car. I always thought he’d be around to see me turn 18 eventually. I always thought he’d finish watching me grow up.

I’ve lived practically next door to him my whole life. When I was little, he was the one who encouraged me to read on my own; he was the one who taught me tricks on how to break a big word down into little funny pronounceable. Now, he’s the one who picks up my books lying around the house and asks me what they’re about and asks me what I think of them; he’s the one who always curiously listens as I tell him about whatever book I’m currently reading.

He’s a part of my life so much; I dread that one day, one day very, very soon, I’ll wake up and he won’t be there.

It’s devastating.

Now I’m probably supposed to tell you what this means for Alice in Readerland. I pre-write my posts so, before I heard the news, I had already pre-written all the posts for this month/next month and scheduled them to post. So there will still be posts going up. I’m trying to spend as much time with my Grandpa as I can. However, at the times when I can’t be with my Grandpa, like when he’s napping as he so frequently needs to now, or when I’m waiting in the hospital for him to finish seeing the doctor, I’ve been trying to read books and distract myself by replying to comments. I’ve just been trying to keep busy, keep my mind busy, anything to keep my mind active and happier if just for a few seconds instead of dwelling on what’s happening, and to try to keep hope alive that he’ll live longer.  Anything I can do to stop from thinking about it and crying even more. If I think about it too much I just fall apart, which I can’t do right now. I’ve been finding books so comforting lately. They let me slip into a different world for just a few chapters and help me try to forget if just for a few minutes in between paragraphs. Lately, I’ve been rereading some of my books from my favorite series, like Cinder. I’m going to be finishing rereading Cinder soon and start Scarlet next, although I have a feeling that the waterworks are going to come again since I’ll be reading about how Scarlet’s trying to find her grandparent.

I just had to let all of you know what’s going to be happening here. And if you have a Grandpa, give him a hug.

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14 thoughts on “*Edited for Update* Cancer and the Comfort of Books

  1. Oh, I’m so sorry :( *big hug* Take your time and I hope you can find comfort and distraction in reading <3

  2. Sunny says:

    I am so sorry, Alice, I can’t even imagine how hard this must be for you. Don’t worry about internet distractions, you need to focus on yourself and family. *hugs you tightly*

  3. Take as much time off as you need to get back to normal. I too lost a grandparent die of cancer although I was young when it happened it was still hard. I didn’t understand at the time why my parents wouldn’t let me see my grandpa, but they didn’t want us to remember him that way. You take your time and be with your family. Don’t worry about any of us here. We will still be here when Alice in Readerland comes back. Again I’m so sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you through this difficult time.

  4. Lisa says:

    No one would dare blame you for taking time off from blogging. I’m not going to say I’m sorry (because that’s so overplayed), but I hope it gets easier. I don’t know about everyone else, but I’ll definitely still be here when you decide to come back. *hug*

  5. Bella says:

    I am so so sorry to hear this. I totally understand why you will want to take a break, and I hope you can find comfort in reading. {Maybe re-read some old favorites?} Your grandfather sounded like a wonderful person, and I understand why you need to take time to grieve. Like everyone else, I will always be here when you decide to come back! Giving you lots of virtual hugs.

  6. so sad .. i hope you’re feeling better now, your grandpa is now in a better place

  7. I lost my grandmother and grandfather in the last two years as well..I am sorry for your loss!

  8. Annie says:

    Oh, honey, I’m really sorry! But as you say, with cancer, in the end it’s always a blessing. My nana passed last year (ovarian) and honestly she should have gone 3 months before she did – she was in so much pain, it was inhumane. I’m so glad you got to spend so much time with him, that’s important time. Honestly, you shouldn’t worry one iota about your blog: we blog because we enjoy it and we find it rewarding, if a point comes in your life like now, when that’s untrue, then there’s no point to blogging. You should come back to it at a time when it is helpful to you. *sending a huge hug your way*

  9. I’m so sorry, Alice. Sending you lots of love right now! My grandpa died almost 2 years ago and I cut back on blogging then, too. Take all of the time you need. <3

  10. So sorry to hear this. Thoughts and prayers going out to you and your family. Take your time. We will all still be here when you get back. <3

  11. My thoughts are with you, Alice. And I hope you and your family are doing as well as you can. <3

  12. I am sorry for your loss! Take as much time off as you need to get back to normal. We’ll wait for you.

  13. Lisa says:

    I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you and your family peace and comfort during this painful time.

  14. I know this is a bit late but I wanted to say that I am sorry for your loss. Your grandfather sounds like a pretty awesome person and you are lucky to have had him. I never got to meet any of my grand parents. I am sure that having you by his side was a great comfort to him. Sending you an internet hug.

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